


The Birds And The Bees That Serve As A Disproportionately Poor Metaphor For Sex

by TimeCloneMike



Series: Don't Trust The Flower [5]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Awkwardness For Everyone, Chara's Form Is Still A Mystery, Except Undyne, Game Grumps reference, Gen, Human Puberty, It's The Cleanup That's The Deal Breaker, Knitting, Magic Utility, Monster puberty, Sometimes Murder Is The Best Solution, Undyne's Recommendations For Preventing Assault, discussion of menstruation, monster reproduction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 07:46:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16259795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimeCloneMike/pseuds/TimeCloneMike
Summary: Frisk, Chara, and Asriel are all given... The Talk.Takes place early in October of 2016.





	The Birds And The Bees That Serve As A Disproportionately Poor Metaphor For Sex

**Author's Note:**

> Credit to LadyAnatares for a lot of uterus-related information, especially the kind that can't be found on Wikipedia.

Frisk stared intently at the metal and plastic they were shaping. Green light shone in geometric shapes, acting as forms and molds and brakes, while a yellow wedge chipped away at the material, section by section.

“That’s pretty impressive. What are you making?”

“Chara’s Halloween costume.” Frisk didn’t look away from the materials they were manipulating. “Out here it’s a lot safer to try and do any crafts work.”

“Okay then.” Undyne walked up next to the child. “What’s Chara going as?”

“Samus Aran, intergalactic bounty hunter. Right now this is one of the big shoulder orb things.”

“What do they do?”

“No idea. This is just how it looks in the art.”

“Well, okay then. What are you going as?”

“Link, from the Zelda series. Chara’s knitting me a tunic and hat.”

“Oh. So that’s what they’re working on.”

“Yeah. We only have about a month to go so we’re both racing against the clock. Asriel’s got his own thing going though.”

“Okay.”

The backyard was silent except for the rustling of fallen leaves and the peculiar sounds of metal being transformed under the influence of tools made of magical energy and potential. Eventually, the green light holding the parts in place began to flicker, and Frisk set everything down and turned to Undyne.

“Is there something wrong?”

“I wouldn’t say wrong. But there is something I do need to do.”

“...okay. What is it?”

Undyne sighed. “Toriel thinks it’s time for you kids to have, uh. The Talk.”

Frisk’s brow furrowed.

“What talk?”

“The kind of talk that Toriel doesn’t feel equipped to give you personally. That’s why she’s inside talking to Chara with Alphys.”

“...are you talking about sex?”

“That’s part of it.”

“Oh. Well. You could have just said it was about sex, rather than speaking in euphemisms.”

“Hey, those euphemisms are cultural! And they’re one of those things where both monsters and humans end up doing the same thing without any impact on each other.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Anyway, I know more about human bodies than Toriel does, so she asked me to give you that part of the sex talk.”

Frisk scratched their chin.

“I guess that is slightly less awkward than it would be if mom was trying to talk to me about it.”

“I think she was thinking the same thing, even if she didn’t say it out loud.”

 

Needles clicked together in a steady pattern, looping yarn in a regular pattern, holding the entire framework together.

“Uh… C-Chara?”

“I heard you. I just can’t afford to be distracted when the deadline is so close. Go ahead and proceed with your sex education.”

“Uhm. All right.” Dr. Alphys rubbed her claws together and turned to see that behind Toriel’s calm expression, there was a slight pinkish glow underneath the white fur. Somehow seeing that the queen of monsters was just as embarrassed about the topic at hand as she was managed to be both more _and_ less reassuring at the same time.

“Okay then. Well. You’re, uh. You’re a monster now. Obviously. So your body is mostly magic. And that has a lot more to do with how it works than the c-chemistry of your original human body.”

“That stands to reason.”

“Right. So. The thing about magic is that it responds to will and intent. And that goes beyond your bullets and bullet patterns. Your whole body will respond to your feelings.”

“Yes, I remember that part.”

“Right. Uhm.” Dr. Alphys swallowed. “This also means that your body will… also respond to any feelings you have about other monsters. R… romantic. Or. Related to romance.”

“That also makes sense.”

“The… the thing is. It’s not like… uhm. Like human bodies? It’s not just about...” the scientist’s face was almost solid red. “It’s not just, making the p-p-parts fit together. There’s. Uh. A big. Uh. Magic element to it.”

“With you so far.”

“Uh. For monster… c-c-c-conception? To happen?? Our magical p-p-polarities have to… to be compatible.”

“Do you mean like positive or negative electrical charges?”

“That’s a g-good analogy? I guess? But it’s not electrical, not exactly. So maybe it’s not such a good analogy. Uhm. Whatever the shape of. Your body. Your magical… p-polarity… that plays a b-b-big part in if you want to have k-kids. You see… uhmmm…” Dr. Alphys turned to Toriel with a silent plea for support or explanation on her face.

“What Dr. Alphys means is that, when we were first teaching everyone human English and changing everything over from our original language, this was omitted because we never expected to have to explain it to humans. Or, I should say, former humans. I apologize for the slip of the tongue.”

“It’s fine.” Chara continued to knit, occasionally glancing up to check on the people talking to them. “So this oversight, have you found a work around?”

“Yes, actually! When, uhm, when Undyne and I were finally getting everything ready to have k-kids, I talked with Dr. Aster and we, we came up with a framework. The polarity is measured on a linear scale. One extreme is. Uh. Called Alpha. The other extreme is called Zeta. These are p-pretty arbitrary, they just tell you how c-close or how far away you are from another monster. B-b-both… sorry. Undyne is closer to the Zeta end of the spectrum than me. But we’re still within, like… this is really imprecise, but we’re a stone’s throw away from each other on the spectrum.” Dr. Alphys scratched her frill. “And most of the time? Conception needs opposite ends of the spectrum. Opposites attract and stuff like that.”

Dr. Alphys let her breath out, and Chara paused in their knitting for a moment.

“So, how are you and Undyne going to have kids?”

“Uh… well. That’s. It’s. C-complicated. Because we decided to. To use m-my eggs, her, uhm. Her p-part in the. The whole. Thing.”

“Dr. Alphys. It’s clear that this subject makes both you and Toriel uncomfortable. Would it help if I was wearing something ridiculous, like a chicken hat?”

“Uh. Somehow I don’t think that will help at all. It will. Just be distracting. Uhm. For Undyne and me to have kids. She… has to make a special type of b-bullet. And then it will have to be. Inverted. So it’s closer to the Alpha side than the Zeta side. If. We were using her eggs? I’d be the one to, to invert the bullet.”

“Okay then.”

“The, uh. The important thing is. The closer you are to… your, uh. Partner. The harder it is. To. To p-procreate like that. I mean, closer on the scale. Because, uh, like charges repel.”

“Makes sense.”

Dr. Alphys relaxed slightly.

“How do these bullets combine, anyway? Do you and Undyne just spar normally, or does she have to stick a spear up your-”

“Chara!” Toriel snapped instinctively, before slamming her paws over her muzzle in a futile attempt to suppress a nervous giggle. Dr. Alphys, for her part, turned completely red and covered her face in her claws.

 

“So yeah. Every month, for possibly up to a week, it’s going to look like you’re bleeding and it's going to feel like somebody went to town on your insides. Which is technically what's happening, only your uterus is doing it to itself. There’s stuff like pads and tampons to manage the blood and tissue that comes out, though you might not want to mess with tampons for a while until you've had your period a couple of times and you have a rough idea of what your body is going to do each time. If the pain isn't too bad you can probably use over the counter painkillers to deal with it, although you might luck out on that. You might also get totally screwed by that, so if the pain is making it totally impossible to concentrate and no amount of human chemistry helps, let somebody know. There’s a depressingly long list of medical problems that can be involved in menstruation, and some of them can happen right away. Any questions?”

Frisk frowned and scratched their chin.

“So there’s no way to tell when this is going to start?”

“Not in any way that could fit on a calendar. The average is different all over the world, as early as nine years old or as late as fifteen. You're gonna be eleven right after the New Year, so for all we know it could happen next week. About the only thing that’s really certain is that a few days before it starts, you’ll feel... different. Physically and emotionally. You might end up feeling really angry, or sad, or just irritable. You might also start craving foods or wanting to snack more often, since, you know, one of your organs is about to rebuild itself and needs raw materials. And you might end up with localized muscle cramps around the uterus, so your abdomen may hurt or be tender. You might also have cramps in other muscles, since your whole body will be trying to deal with hormones.”

“So… should I start carrying around pads or other stuff in my phone’s dimensional box, just in case?”

“That’s a good idea. Or your backpack, or your pockets, or something.”

“Okay then.” Frisk stared off into the distance. “This sounds like it’s going to be a pain in the ass, but I guess it makes sense from a species wide perspective. Not having a mating season would make it easier for early humans to spread and come back from disasters.”

“Yeah. Also, we can't forget that bleeding and not dying is pretty hardcore just by itself.”

“Guess there’s that.”

“Okay. We’ve got menstruation out of the way. Now for the really big stuff.”

Frisk raised an eyebrow.

“This doesn’t count as big stuff?”

“By comparison, no. See, when menarche hits-”

“Hold up, when _what_ hits?”

“Oh. Menarche is just the term for your first period.”

“Then why didn't you just say my first period?”

Undyne rolled her eye in exaggerated exasperation.

“Because I'm a fish monster that learned all of this stuff from reading books and Wikipedia articles.”

“Oh. Yeah, that makes sense.”

Undyne smirked and snorted for a second.

“Okay, where were we... right. When your menstrual cycle finally gets started and running, that just means the biological processes that involve getting the uterus ready for a zygote are starting up. That is _not_ the only factor involved in human reproduction. Your hips aren’t wide enough to give birth, for example. And your metabolism is working as fast as it can just to keep _you_ growing, so it can't do that _and_ supply nutrition to both you and anything growing inside you at the same time. Your body’s probably going to take years to get the balance of hormones right, and that’s assuming there’s no medical problems to worry about. You won’t be physically ready for reproduction until you’re around eighteen years old and possibly later, depending on how different parts of your body develop. And just because your brain goes a thousand miles an hour doesn’t means the rest of you does.”

“Okay. That doesn’t seem that big compared to the whole ‘bleed from the groin once a month’ thing, so I guess you’re not finished.”

“You’re right. I’m not. You may, with all those hormones running around in your head, feel inclined to experiment with your peers. Groping and make out sessions in dark movie theaters or other out of the way spots. Or, maybe you won’t. You might be what the humans call asexual, so you don’t have that kind of interest, or it only shows up in narrow circumstances. Which is fine. But if you do, then you _absolutely_ have to take precautions so that you don’t get pregnant. This is true even if you’re messing around with a monster, now that we know cross-species mating is an actual thing. I’ll circle back on what to do about that later. But the really big, really important thing is if anybody tries to push you into that kind of stuff, or force themselves on you, you make sure they know that shit does not fly, and if they don’t get the hint, you hit them with everything you got. And that goes _double_ if they’re a grown adult and you’re still a kid or a teenager. If anybody even tries, you take them out.”

“...now, when you say take them out-”

“ _Kill them._ If you end up with EXP on your Soul for taking predators out of this world, that’s something to be proud of. End their lives and don’t waste any tears on them.”

Frisk stared at Undyne’s face. Normally expressive and animated, even when angry or upset, the warrior just seemed… cold.

“...is maiming acceptable? Can we meet halfway with incapacitating injuries?”

Undyne’s eye narrowed for a few seconds, before their expression softened slightly.

“If it lets you escape, and keeps them from hurting you or anyone else, then as far as I'm concerned anything goes. Just do whatever you need to protect yourself. And if they manage to weasel out of the legal consequences in a court of law, well there’s ways we can deal with _that_ too. All that matters is that _you_ are safe.”

“...okay. But after all the other stuff I did, somebody would have to be a certain kind of stupid to try to get me to do something I didn’t want to do.”

“Well, unfortunately, that’s what sets these assholes apart. They’re a special kind of stupid.”

 

“And that, uh, results in the c-conception process for any monster capable of carrying offspring. For monsters like skeletons, the entire process-”

“Okay, time out, time out.” Chara shook their head. “I already have images of you and Undyne, not to mention Mom and Dad, in my head that I did not need or ask for when I woke up this morning. I don’t think I need the same images to involve Sans or Papyrus or Dr. Aster or… and now my imagination is doing the work for me. That’s great.”

“Actually skeletons are a lot different. Bullets are combined and placed in an earthy growth medium, and the proto-Soul leeches minerals from the soil to form the bone structure. Sort of like planting a seed. So skeletons have more in common with Vegetoids and similar monsters than they do with other monsters.”

“Oh… huh.”

“But that’s uh, a pretty short diversion. Anyway. The real reason we, uh, we’re b-bringing this up is that, well… you’re going to be running into monster adolescence pretty soon.”

Chara’s face, so far neutral, began to look slightly confused.

“And,” Toriel took over from Alphys, “you may feel… impulses, or attractions, that you did not previously feel.”

“You mean like when two anime character’s meet and there’s lens flare and the screen is out of focus and there’s cherry blossoms everywhere?”

“Yes! Yes, like that actually!” Alphys interrupted. “Only without the lens flare, or the cherry blossoms.”

“…so just going out of focus, then?”

“Yes, something like that. And you may, ah. You may find your thoughts occupied by a certain somebody most of your waking hours, and even your hours not spent awake. And you may want to be… closer to them, in the ways we have described. There is also a distinct possibility that you may be attracted to a human-”

“UGH.” Chara’s expression immediately contorted into one of extreme disgust. “That is one hundred and ten percent _not_ gonna happen.”

“We're just b-bringing it up as a possibility. If you reach adolescence and that happens, it's perfectly fine. It's also perfectly fine if you're attracted to a monster, like Asriel-”

Chara recoiled at the mention of Asriel.

“Oh god, what is _wrong_ with you?! He's my _brother!_ ”

“Dr. Alphys is simply using that as an example. We just want you to know that we will support you, regardless of where your attraction lies-”

Chara scrambled to put down the knitting they were working on without losing any of the existing stitches, and stood up.

“I have to get out of here, I’m gonna hurl. I’m going to blow magic chowder all over the living room.”

“Actually Chara the way magic d-digestion works that means that what’s...” Alphys trailed off as Chara sprinted down the hallway to the ground floor bathroom. “Uh. Never mind.”

The back door opened and Alphys and Toriel both turned to face Frisk and Undyne.

“Oh, hi g-guys. How did that go?”

Undyne held up one fist in a thumbs up gesture.

“We hit all the important points and the related stuff too! How about you, where’s Chara?”

“They are… otherwise occupied, right now.” Toriel shrugged.

From elsewhere in the house came the sound of dry heaves.

“B-b-but! But! Everything still went better than we expected!”

“Awesome!!”

“Uh. Question.” Frisk waved one hand in the air. “If Undyne was explaining what my body was going to do, and you two were explaining the same thing to Chara, is dad handling the same thing for Asriel right now?”

Toriel nodded.

“That is the plan. I hope that he is having more success and fewer awkward moments than we have had here.”

 

“So… Asriel.”

The young boss monster looked up from the kitchen counter; for some reason, Asgore had stopped right in the middle of the tea-making process, which already jumped out at the child like a flashing warning sign.

“Yes? Is something wrong?”

“No, no. Nothing is wrong. It’s just...” Asgore breathed in slowly, and then let it out slowly, whistling slightly as he did.

“Asriel, do you know about, uh… sex?”

“Uh… yes??”

“Okay!” Asgore smiled with obvious relief, and the king immediately turned all of his attention back to the creation of tea.

Asriel looked away from his father, face contorted in confusion. His mouth moved in a silent statement of _‘What the fuck?’_ before he returned to his task at the kitchen, sorting the various dried teas into boxes they were intended for.


End file.
